I was not.
Between our vacation and Christmas holidays, we've had an entire month off - and it's not that I haven't enjoyed my time with them. I have, very much. It's not even that I didn't want them around today. It's that as much as I love unscheduled, laid-back, do-what-we-want-when-we-feel-like-it time, I need routine. My internal wiring demands it.
While they were in school yesterday, I spent the day getting my house back in order - doing laundry, cleaning and padding the pockets of the owners of Costco. A start, but just barely.
Today was going to be the day. Although I was tired, today I was going to get back in the saddle, clean out my Inbox, get back into the groove of my volunteer work and take care of some important tasks that have been sitting idle for the past month. Didn't happen. There was no way any of it could happen - my #1 supporter was away from the wee hours of the morning and will not return until late tonight. Today could not go as I had hoped. Disappointment.
Plan B. I would do something I enjoy with the girls. We would work together to digitally scrapbook our vacation. Yeah, that sounds like fun! While trying to set up the basement computer, the wireless keyboard decided it had a mind of its own, excited children were impatient, and there was a huge, sticky mess all over the table I was trying to work on (that I had asked them to clean up three times already.) How many times do I have to ask them to clean up their messes? Frustration.
Then the phone rang.
A commitment from two years ago lingers. I thought I wrapped up all the loose ends months ago. Not so. It's important, it's urgent -- and it's my responsibility to make sure it happens or the consequences could be undesirable at best. Stress. I thought I had dealt with this very issue, but my follow up was inadequate. Phone calls. More stress. Harsh words directed at me. Children interrupting and wanting my attention while I was on the phone. Blood pressure rising, tears threatening. Not my best performance, true, but not failure either. Am I really cut out for leadership? Insecurity.
This is where the rubber meets the road. Here I am on this journey to find joy in situations, and I am clearly not feeling the love. Whose fault is that? We are only capable of feeling one emotion at a time. We get to CHOOSE that emotion. The only way to fight emotion is with emotion.
I choose joy.
It was time to start that list of 1000 gifts. The girls question. I explain, they join. This is the woman I want to be. This is the mom I want to be. I've always been convicted that the best way to lead is by example. Good, bad or ugly, it always works. This is the direction I want to lead in.
The rubber met the road today.
And we took off with a squeal of delight.
(Gift #3: Groovin' with my girls.)